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Today I have been so close to crying so many times. Teariness is at least in part because I am terrified about going to Delhi on Friday. I am worried about:

*packing
*fitting in things that need to get done in the u.s. over the summer (and figuring out how to do things from abroad)
-renewing my license
-paying tuition
-setting up/paying for/keeping track of apartment things
-cleaning at the dentist's
-follow up appointment at the doctor's
*getting to my auntie's safely with no cell phone
*finding a cellphone and some sort of internet service
*disappointing my internship site
*keeping in touch
*my little brother
*getting lonely
*becoming disillusioned with Delhi
*not being missed
*regret

That list is so awful. Right now I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. That's making me feel worse, because I know I am so lucky to be able to go away for the summer and instead of being excited and appreciative I am resisting change and getting scared. I think I am going to cling to my momma at the airport on Friday, sobbing.

Mostly I have been outwardly nonchalant about my trip but inwardly freaking out. It's almost like I'm forcing myself to go at this point, since I'm freaking myself out so much. I really want to feel better because I know that I want to go. I guess I'm just feeling kind of moody anyways and then I'm additionally getting cowardly, scared of going by myself instead of with a program. It's also scary that I will go back and Delhi won't be the same. Not just Delhi changing, either, but my version of Delhi. The friends I made in Delhi won't be there with me. I'm worried that I'll be lonely. I want to have friends, of course, but I also need to have friends because I won't be able to do a lot of the things I want to just because it's not safe to be by myself in big public places. I'm worried a lot about safety. I won't have my classes and university and program center waiting for me there, either. What if I don't love Delhi without those things? I knew that last sentence was impossible as soon as I typed it, actually, but I'm still having a hard time.

I'm trying to focus on fun things (food! Bollywood! feminist publishing! auntie! salwar-kameez! Mother Dairy ice cream! nationalism! Indian optimism!) but I'm also getting bogged down by those worries. I'm being so foolish, because I had a great time for five months before, and this summer is only half that, but ohhhhhh I don't even know. Things work out! They always work out! I just want so much to feel more excited and instead I just feel anxious. From December until about a week two weeks ago all I could do was go on and on about how much I love Delhi and how much I missed it and now that I get to go back I'm being an idiot. I also need to stop comparing my last pre-trip feelings to these pre-trip feelings, because right now I'm in the "I love MN and the Midwest and suburbs and being at home so much" phase of break and eventually I'd get lonely and bored here and going to Delhi and working at Zubaan should be so great.

I hate to admit this, but I think part of my freakout is because I might not have the internet all the time like I did last time, and I'm afraid of being out of such easy contact with home and friends for a couple months, and I'm afraid other people won't mind at all. I need to remind myself that I will be busy with my internship and I always have my auntie and I can do a lot of reading instead of wasting time on the internet and that I'm just being terribly insecure. I need to keep thinking about sunshine streaming into my bathroom at my auntie's, little schoolchildren with oversized satchels, head bobbles, pure veg samosas, being busy, late dinners, AIKGA mailers, relaxed lifestyles.

I have a feeling that as soon as I have a cell phone a lot of my worries will go away. That will be a way to keep in touch (albeit limited) and it will give me a sense of safety. Hopefully my worries will go away before then, but I had better be pumped about Delhi again by then at the latest. It is one of my three homes, after all.