having a pretty life does not make your life pretty.
i got a big envelope from financial aid. most of it was a generic packet so that was a relief. then there was one sheet with huge numbers on it and that was scary. i kind of don't imagine i will be alive to have to deal with that--i don't have the self-continuity or the foresight to imagine big numbers ever mattering to me.
in addition to all of the weird things i wonder if i should start pursuing a less beautiful life. i think i have a two-year cycle for running away. keep moving south? keep moving east?
little joy is a good phrase, a good name.
feeling disappointed with people is awful when i want to spend my time appreciating everyone before we are scattered (physically). (that is the problem. we are scattered, just not physically (yet). but i don't want to admit that. i only like pretending about some things.)
i do think that nuances matter. that details matter. reading the world from too many directions and with a magnifying glass. working out orders of operations and then stretching the parentheses and admiring it all askew instead of summing it up.
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