these things are related

On Thursday I wrote two songs. One is a pop-y song about cheating (sort of). I also wrote a sappy song about depression. I can't figure out rhyme. Break is weird. In August I think I am going to cut my hair very short. Maybe I'll even expose my ears.

Every once in a while (maybe every few months?) something kind of minor happens and I'll feel extraordinarily vulnerable, like I need to hide or sprint. I usually just apologize a lot or shut up or, if I've continued to think about it a lot, I do hide. I remember how insecure I am and I feel like I'm back in middle school. I feel like an idiot about that, which makes me re-think other moments where I've been an idiot, and that makes me even more self-conscious and insecure. Eventually I try to make myself get over it or I just forget for a while and that turns into a few months. Then I'm pretending to read something important while I wait alone in my car, feeling like everyone in the world must be tuned in to how pathetic I am, and I (re)realize that I am foolish and fronting and I'm back to the beginning. I should make a flow chart. I need to tattoo it on my arm or something.

I think that going away for a while and being sort of alone will be really good for me again. I think having less internet time will be good, too. I think I've mixed up caring about people/wanting to be involved in their lives and insecurity/wanting to be liked, and that makes me feel really shallow.

It's hard to want to just "be yourself" and also actually hate a lot of yourself.

jeopardy

I am home and watching Jeopardy. There is a contestant who is one of those really calm, relaxed, together-seeming people. She also has a voice that's light and sort of scratchy, like maybe she smoked a lot in her youth and has learned from her wild days and now has things figured out. I imagine she has a library and maybe a small cocker spaniel. I want her to be my aunt. I also want to be one of those sorts of warm, comforting, calm people someday, but I think it's against my nature to be so mellow.

There's also a girl who is really great at the game but always picks 1600 to start each category in Double Jeopardy. She's really young and bright but seems kind of manic when she chooses 1600 each time. (She just won.)

I should try to learn more about psychoanalysis. I didn't know the question to a really simple answer.

(These photos are from Grinnell. Downtown and somebody's cigarette sculpture outside Bucksbaum.)

breakfast in bed

I've been back (Iowa) for a week after being home (Minnesota) for two weeks. I watched a lot of "Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew" (hosted Mario Lopez! featuring Lil' Mama and JC Chasez as judges!) and the new episodes of "Top Chef," as well as an occasional "Wheel of Fortune" in the evenings. It sounds kind of pathetic but it was actually really nice. I also saw a lot of friends and family and did some thrifting and reading and I ate a fair amount of good food. I listened to Top 40 radio when I was with my friends and I listened to The Current when I was by myself. Sometimes in the mornings I would read music blogs and eat breakfast. Sometimes this happened in bed.

One Thursday I had a pita with almond butter and a side of yogurt. I added banana slices to the yogurt after a bit because it was a little boring.

Kanye West - The Good Life (ft. T-Pain)