pieces

Upon the sand - hopefuldoubtful

i have loved while thinking only of the cost



as quickly as practical



your lives are going to be in rhythm



enjoy your worries you may never have them again

hairy armed women liberationists

having a pretty life does not make your life pretty.


i got a big envelope from financial aid. most of it was a generic packet so that was a relief. then there was one sheet with huge numbers on it and that was scary. i kind of don't imagine i will be alive to have to deal with that--i don't have the self-continuity or the foresight to imagine big numbers ever mattering to me.


in addition to all of the weird things i wonder if i should start pursuing a less beautiful life. i think i have a two-year cycle for running away. keep moving south? keep moving east?


little joy is a good phrase, a good name.


feeling disappointed with people is awful when i want to spend my time appreciating everyone before we are scattered (physically). (that is the problem. we are scattered, just not physically (yet). but i don't want to admit that. i only like pretending about some things.)


i do think that nuances matter. that details matter. reading the world from too many directions and with a magnifying glass. working out orders of operations and then stretching the parentheses and admiring it all askew instead of summing it up.

far away

Usually I really like storms but tonight I was home alone and it got dark and rain and hail pelted my window and I got scared. I wanted company but everyone was far away. I flossed and spent a long time tidying up in the bathroom because pretending to be in a safe space feels less scary than going to a safe space on purpose, even if you know you're pretending the whole time. I called home and it calmed down while I talked to my dad. I called home and there was a lot of lightning while I talked to my friend. I was warned about the horrors of knee surgery and then we had to hang up. They say you should face your fears so I put on shoes and went outside. I tripped and almost fell down the stairs on the way. I worried about knee surgery. Then I went outside and listened to old voicemails. I felt like I needed something to do. It was warmer than I expected. I thought about how my life is beautiful and I should not be sad. Nobody else was outside and I liked that. It is funny how being by yourself is really nice but really lonely. So now I am going to put the sheets on my bed. They are crumpled and they will be wrinkled because I waited too long but I guess it doesn't matter, it's kind of nice.

moving

everyone great is from alabama:

hank williams
harper lee
al green
emmylou harris

maybe i shouldn't be moving to new york?

bare things

spring, blossoms

summer, lakes

i read messages that i know i'm going to delete because the unread messages count in my deleted items folder is '123' and i don't want it to change.

double meanings

i spend a great deal of time learning how to read things many ways. i'm not sure what that means for life.

the ways in which words reveal and conceal emotions

long blinks

nothing can be uncharacteristic because everything is characteristic because we are all sorts of things (anything?) and that is so exciting! don't hold back!

why do i want to cry instead of learning about things i care about? don't hold back?

god i am a mess.

the way the world looks from under the covers

it is really hard to have secrets. and to know who will understand those secrets. or try to understand? it is terrifying to think someone might get it and not care.

i think mostly i am able to be a pretty optimistic person because i like to do what i want and i like to think hardly anything is impossible and because unexpected things can be so important. and i think that some other people must think similarly and that is a very hopeful thing. it is a very scary thing to think that i could be mistaken about other people thinking similarly. or any of it.

is this familiar

warmer weather is nice because birds chirp and ears are warm and headphones don't seem so necessary.

i have a twelve-disc hank williams cd set. that is a lot to work through. i wonder about it sometimes, but i have a beautiful little life. i am going to move my beautiful little life to new york soon and i hope it will be a beautiful life there, too.

i like talking about things and pretending about things more than i like a lot of actual things. spending impossible lengths of time in booths and on sidewalks and voices wear out. i've worn a lot of holes into socks and tights this year. that has never happened to me before. i have a lot of things to mend.

four beds within one week and my shoulders are knotty. i thought about working on preparing some future things before tucking in for the night but i am feeling heavy eyelids so soon.

oh good. my sweet hearted friend from home called with all sorts of happy things to tell me.