restless

less rest less rest

Lately I have been sleeping very poorly. I am trying to self-diagnose but I don't know how useful that is because I just change small physical things haphazardly and can't tell if anything's helping.

I think I still get jazzed about some things but lately I feel weary. I wish I could tell people when I think they are lousing things up and I wish I could be honest more often. I've been trying in small doses and mostly it goes over alright. Sometimes I think I think too much but most of the time I think I don't think enough at all. Not in the right ways, anyhow.

I wish that things could surprise me. I don't know if anything has for a long time. People are horrible and that's not surprising and people are kindhearted and that's not too surprising. Life is disappointing and I can't be surprised by that because I'm always preparing myself for life to be disappointing. And sometimes life sparkles and that's not surprising because I expect that, too. I read once that parents should quit telling their kids they are special. I'm wondering if my sort of constantly unfazed state is the culmination of years of being told/thinking I'm the shit while simultaneously hating myself a lot. Over the last couple years I have worked hard on letting things blow over, on calming down and appreciating everything. So I freaked out a lot and didn't expect it or know what to do and now I freak out a lot less and nothing is surprising. I sit around for lengthy periods of time, wander, flounder, think about feelings, laugh with people, cry at commercials, and I face more of the same for years and years. And that is not surprising. Self-diagnosis.

I could do anything.
I could do nothing.
That is not surprising.
That is not surprising.



When we go north to visit my family I sleep on a twin bed in a room with twin twin beds. My twin aunts slept on these mattresses thirty years ago. The beds sink with any pressure, but they are permanently curved, worn into a curve, anyways. The sheets are seventies and the blankets are seventies and everything is a little faded and a little soft.