finals?

Sometimes I think we don't give ourselves enough credit. I give myself too much credit, but that's not what I mean. For the wrong things. Sometimes living is so amazing to me. Getting by. I wanted to cry for most of this evening because I am un-extraordinary and alone.

Sometimes being ordinary is rough.

I think that just surviving and getting by is such an accomplishment sometimes. I am not changing the world in big ways. I have to be ok with that. I am not a revolutionary. I am not Prestigious. Comparatively, maybe. I am going to have a degree in a year. That is a big deal. Comparatively. That is privilege. I need to rethink success. Reimagine. I am not them and measuring is useless. Opinions only matter if you care.

We're getting by. We're trying.

I feel like my life is a series of good spells where I forget and then short spells when I (re)realize how hard it is to keep up a facade of being happy and unintentional. That is probably not true. It's what it feels like now, at least.

Sometimes I am really aware of my shortcomings. Sometimes I am worried that it will be like this always, maybe with more sad parts. Things do not end. Forgetting and remembering are kind of the same.

Self, please remember: I am changing. Be aware. I am trying. I am coasting. Be intentional. Try. That's ok. That's enough.